Windy nights

I've just finished watching to film version of Doubt, and I still can't decide if I like it or not. But it has this whole thing with the wind in it and since its windy tonight I can't seem to get windy images out of my head. I felt like writing some of them down and since the computer was the closest thing I figured I should use it.
Generally the wind signifies change, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. I'm reading Charlotte Bronte's Villette and Lucy, the main character, says that windy nights always signify change in her world, usually change that means uprooting one's life and moving somewhere entirely new. I haven't finished the book yet, but I like this idea. Stormy windy nights often change the physical appearance of the outside world. Whether it be by bring snow and ice, or knocking down trees and homes, the wind brings physical change.
But it also changes the way things feel. As a child I loved windy days in the summer because it meant I could fly my kite. Watching that simple colored diamond soar high in the air always made me feel like I too could fly far above the earth and see things from way up high. Wind in the winter generally meant a snow storm was on its way, and what child doesn't pray for a snow day late in February? To know that you get to sleep in makes you feel so fabulous!
I grew up in the shadow of the Big Horn Mountains and when it rains there, it smells of pine trees and earth. Good clean fresh earth. The wind would carry that wonderful smell for miles down the valleys into the plateaus where we could enjoy it. I miss that smell.
Wind doesn't always bring positive things. Often times it can be destructive, deadly. I have seen what power the wind has when it reaches hurricane force. I have experienced driving along the interstate and the wind nearly blowing my tiny little car into the ditch. I have seen the wind blow over semi's, trees, and homes. The power of the wind reminds me that I am not in control, and sometimes, that's more frightening than anything else.
But we can use the power of the wind, they've been doing it for centuries, windmills. Now with the Go Green craze we're beginning to harness that power on an even larger scale.
Wind can be scary, it can power us, it can remind us of good and bad days. It will always be the agent of change in my mind. And for now, I will let it sing me to sleep.

Finding Joy

I've been in rather low spirits lately; frustrations with work and such, plus loneliness weighted me down so much I could barely breathe some days. Finally I decided that part of my problem was my attitude and that that had to change! I spent a lot of time talking with God and confessing my sins to Him.

During this time He reminded me of my love of encouragement. So I have set out to cheer myself up by cheering others. He even blessed me with a larger tax-return to use on cards and candies to send out.

I've been able to send His love via snail mail to a friend who is hurting after a terrible break-up, another friend who has lost a grandmother, a mentor who has been in low spirits, as well as just sending cards and letters to good friends who have supported me through my own troubles.

I find that I gain more pleasure in sending letters, cards, packages, etc than receiving them. I am so thankful that God has reminded me that only by giving of my heart do I gain anything in return. The simplest thank you on Facebook absolutely makes my day.

So, if you are feeling down, go do something sweet and unexpected for someone else. You will feel better I promise! Find joy in sreading it around!

Tarah Needs

Okay this just looked like too much fun to pass up:

Type your name into a search engine followed by needs. "Yourname needs" and copy down the first 10 phrases that come up in the search. Don't only pick out the cool ones. Do it in order. Tag 10 friends to do this too.This cracked me up! Too Fun! Enjoy!

Here are my results:

Tarah needs that spanking.
Tarah needs a haircut?
Tarah needs somebody to love.
Tarah needs to hang out with me.
Tarah needs $3000.00 by November.
Tarah needs your prayers and financial support.
Tarah needs to work on the cover....
Tarah needs to get a pic up ASAP
Tarah needs to get to work...
Tarah needs a vacation from work politics.

Random assortment of the findings the search engine game me. Some of them are strangely true! Althought I'm not so sure I need a spanking.

Hope this made you smile.

Grumblings and Inspiration

So I want to warn you that this post will be mostly me venting about life in general. It may sound from the tone of this post that things aren't going well, when actually life is bearable, I just haven't had anyone to vent to in a while and since this seems a good enough place as any.... Oh and my thought will be a bit disjointed as my sleep meds are starting to kick in now.

Singleness sucks! I know I complain a lot about being single, and well its because I don't like it one bit! As I get older I feel like the chances of me finding anyone get smaller and smaller. Right now I can't even blame my being too picky since there hasn't been anyone remotely interested in me! Geeze.
I am being patient but the hardest part is when friends (who I thought would be getting engaged and married long after me) are married or pretty close to it. I am truly happy for them, I just hate having to sit there and listen to them talk about their significant others. The more friends that get engaged the more un-significant I feel.

Life on the road with one partner gets old fast. I think part of this is fueled by my first complaint. I am quickly getting sick of seeing only one other familiar face. We get along fine, it just would be nice to see other friends/co-workers/anyone. I'm trying to make it day-by-day and my partner is counting down the days. Plus I only just started this life on the road, she's been doing this 3 months longer than me. I'm a little tired of her negative attitude about things, but don't feel like I have any right to say anything because she has been doing this longer than me.

Life after college really blows. I miss the days when I could just ditch class and sleep in, or go to the mall, or go on a random road trip. I am committed to this job thing and once this summer is over I'll have to commit to something even more long term. Ack! I don't know what to do or where to g. None of the suggestions people have given me help.
I have decided that, even though it seems like the easy way out of my current "What the hell am I supposed to do now?"- dilemma, going back to school is not a good idea. But deciding on a job scares me. What can I do that will make me enough money to make it through the next few years?

I don't like myself very much. I find many things wrong with who and what I am. I'm really struggling with my weight and now my acne is flaring up again. Not only physically but also mentally am I unhappy with who I am. I'm so cynical and negative, I remember when I was much more happy-go-lucky and I miss it. Just because crappy stuff has happened doesn't mean I should wallow in my self pity, eat too much, hate everything around me, and then hate myself. It's time I stopped whining.

Sometimes I find myself blaming God for the way my life has gone, but I know that I've brought a lot of this on myself. I've come to realize that while I have lots of ups and big downs over the last few years, I have not been living my life for Christ, and therefore I am not happy. I have little to no joy in life. I look back on the happiest times in my life and it was when I was closest to God. Over time I have pushed Him from the head writer in my life's story to the thesaurus I turn to when I don't know what to do next.
So, during the next few weeks and months it is my goal to let God take the pen again. I can't be in control anymore, not to mention, I have run out of ideas. I trust that God has a big plan for me, I've always felt it, and it is time that that plan is fulfilled.

Bright Thoughts

You know, it ocurred to me the other day that I complain a lot about my life. I don't mean to complain so much, but it just seems that lately things aren't so great. I've forgotten how to be truly content and no matter where I turn I can always find something wrong. The biggest issue being my single-ness. I hate that so many I am close to are finding their soul-mates, and I am alone. I realize that God has a purpose for this loneliness but I'm fed up with it.
Anyways the purpose of this blog is to write about things that are good. I need to remind myself that things aren't really as bad as I seem to think they are. So bright thoughts for my life:
1. I have a job, it pays well enough that I am not stressed over money.
2. I have a family that loves me and cares about me.
3. I live in a free country where I have the right to complain about the government!
4. God's grace.
5. Friends to turn to when I need them.
6. A roof over my head and food in my belly.
7. I have a pet that makes me laugh every day.
8. I'm old enough to drink, and smart enough to know when to stop.
9. I have patience.
10.Music always calms my spirit.

So there are ten bright things in my life. I'm smiling already.

Cold Contemplations

Sometimes I ask myself, "Why in the world do you still live in a cold climate?!" I'm staying at my boss's for the week and it is bitter cold in SD! My room is in the basement, with no heat! Just a little space heater is all I have to keep warm! Brrrr.
Some people have suggested that I am a wimp and that is why I am cold all the time. But to them I would like to say: "Try having a bleeding disorder sometime! Then you might realize what it is like to live with thin blood and poor circulation!" I can't help having thin blood, there's not much I can do about it you know!
I tried living in the Southwest before and I just didn't fit in. I missed the slower more easy going pace of life that Wyoming and the Midwest offers. I like all the "nice" people that live out here. I haven't had a chance to try out the Southeast though....someday maybe.
So for now I must sit here and shiver.

Frustrations

I've been frustrated a lot lately and so I thought I would write them out just so I can see what all is bugging me.
1. I'm clumsy...I keep hurting myself and I'm not sure why! Yesterday I whacked my foot two times on the same piece of wood sticking out from my bed at the hotel. So my left ankle and the top of my left foot are in pain. Also because of my clumsiness my knee is always bugging me. I sprained it last year and it never healed properly.
2. Rowdy children. Today was a rough day at rehearsal, we ended up having to pull two kids out of the play because they wouldn't listen and they were disrupting everyone else. I hated having to do it but we couldn't put up with it anymore. I'm worried about tomorrow, if they show up we have to send them home. I love doing theatre with kids because I know they have fun, and these two were having fun when they were being good. They were begging to be allowed to stay in but we told them they couldn't. I about cried because of it all.
3. Neglectful parents. This comes from the rowdy kids thing. Why the eff can't people teach their children manners?! Its ridiculous to have to constantly be telling the kids to be quiet and to listen, or to tell them over and over to respect us and each other. Really its sad to see so many children who obviously don't have parents that care enough to teach them to respect their elders. ....but that's another blog that I don't have time for now.
4. Grouchiness. Why do we get grouchy? My mom always used to say that we choose to be grouchy, or sad, or angry, or whatever; in some ways it isn't true, but I have realized that in many ways it is. Sure we have excuses for our moods; bad day at work, poor night's sleep, headache, etc., but we do have the ability to try and be cheerful, patient, happy, etc. If we can't make the effort to be in control of our emotions then how can we be in control of anything else?
5. Politics. Its not a secret, I hate politics, most of the time I can easily avoid it, but with the inauguration fresh in our minds of course that is what many people choose to talk about. I honestly struggle with being an American and the responsibilities that come with that privilege. I feel like we have failed to uphold many of the principles that the founders of this nation set forth. I also feel pulled in two different directions; one involves my up-bringing in a fairly conservative home, the other pulling me towards the more liberal-mindedness of the profession I chose to pursue. I don't know how to make the two meet.
6. Myself. Yeah I am frustrated with myself. I am too worried about what others think of me to make a decision in one way or another. I can't decide if I am a Republican or a Democrat, I can't decide what career path to chose, I can't even stand up for myself sometimes. Its frustrating, and tiring, and the main reason for this post...yet a very short entry for the topic.
Sorry my thoughts are very jumbled but I do feel better now that my frustrations are written out for me to see.
I will leave you with this one thought: Jeremiah 1:5 This verse is the cornerstone of my faith and peace. It reminds me that from the very moment I was conceived God had a plan for me. I have to have faith that His plan is better than mine....I'm just having a hard time letting go of control, even though I know very well that I'm not really in control anyways! Why do I worry when I know God already has it all figured out?!