Spring Cleaning

Well spring has finally arrive in Buffalo WY and with it comes that overwhelming task of spring cleaning. I find myself in need of a good cleaning in several different aspects of my life. The first is the physical, over the past year or so I have really let my space (being my tiny little room at home) get overly cluttered and just plain messy. I’ve always been a "throw it on the desk now and deal with it later" kind of person and that is why my room gets the way it does. However this year has been a little different, between poor health and a very hectic schedule I had very little downtime and when I did get it I generally just wanted to veg. But that is no excuse for only taking out the trash when its overflowing or letting the space under my bed become my filing cabinet.

So, in the next few weeks I will be pulling EVERYTHING (minus the bed and other large furniture) out of my room and going through it all. Its time to get rid of the stuff that clutters up my spaces. My rules for keeping things: sentimental value must be a 7 or above. If I don’t use it it goes. If I haven’t worn it in the last 6 months it goes. So…be on the look out for photos of my decluttering process! This will also make my move in August go more smoothly as I will have already gone through everything and will have boxed much of it up.

Second, I need to do some cleaning in my social life, and this may sound a little strange but it means that I will be going through my Facebook friends and removing connections to people that I either don’t talk to or people that may not be good influences on my life….don’t worry there aren’t very many of them and if you read my blog you probably won’t be one of the removed connections. Its just something I feel I need to do.

Thirdly, and most importantly I need to do some spiritual spring cleaning. This is the part that will be the hardest and will take the longest because I have a lot of skeletons in my closets…Things that I need to talk to God about and actually hand over to Him. I've always had trouble handing things to Him and completely surrendering my life to Him. I just like to be in control, or at least I like to think that I am in control.

I’ve been in a spiritual dessert lately, my home church is no longer a place where I feel I can grow as a Believer. I find that I have been turned off by many “Christians” and all their “Christian” things. I am a firm believer in God and I want to persue my relationship with Him, but I feel that the “Christian” community has become so bogged down with doctrines and poltics and other childish behavior that none of what they teach seems real to me. I want to find a body of believers who want to a. worship God, b. encourage and uplift one another, c. be real with one another and d. spread the Gospel in a real way not the candy coated “Christian” way.

As I search for a new body of believers to plug into I will be doing some serious soul searching and praying. Weeding out the things that get in the way of my relationship with Christ. I know that He has a plan and that He is going to do some amazing things in my life, and in order for those things to come to fruition my heart needs some serious cleaning.

Spring has always been a time of renewal for me. The rain falls and nourishes the plants which then grow and produce beautiful flowers and green stuff. Baby animals are running around in that cute baby way signifying a new-ness and a clean slate. And we start wearing our summer clothes and shoes. Everything seems so fresh and new. For me, Spring is New Years and that's when I make my resolutions. This year I want to clean out my life and then continue to keep it clean.

Let the cleaning begin!!!!

Dream log 3/31/10

Its funny how our dreams take events and thoughts from our day and stores them while we sleep. Last night I had one of the strangest dreams I have had in a long time (personally I blame the Zoloft).

It began with me and a group of my college friends going on a trip to NYC. I remember walking around in some of the neighborhoods and talking about the things we would do and see. Then all of the sudden we were getting off a plane in London, still talking about NYC. We were then put on some very futuristic looking buses that were going to take us to our train-themed motel. As we drove around my friend Haley would randomly squeel as she recognized buildings and such (some of them were London buildings and some were NYC buildings). I also remember seeing a building from one of my dreams a few months ago, it was a cool second hand kind of store that sold retro/indie stuff.

When we finally arrived on the outskirts of town (whether London or NYC I couldn't tell), and pulled into our motel it turned out to be a sort of summer camp/monastary/Catholic girl's school. As we piled out of the buses a nun rushed out and asked us to wait quietly while a class was finishing in the main hall.

While i waited I checked my phone and was listening to music, after a bit i realized everyone was gone so I started to roam around looking for where our rooms were. I then found Haley sitting in a very large gazebo at the back of the property, so I joined her there and we noticed that our place was next to an all boys summer camp, with some very nice looking counselors!

The gazebo began to fill up with said counselors and other Brits. There were two of the couselors that were clearly interested in Haley and I; they were talking in such thick accents we couldn't understand them. But they were funny and we laughed and joke with them for a while. One of the teachers from the girls school came over and asked us to be wary of the (get this) white chedder spiders that were currently infesting the grounds. In about 2 seconds everyone had cleared out of the gazebo and Haley and i made our way to the dorms.

Between the gazebo and the dorms was a large wooden staircase that led up to a sort of walkway in the trees. we decided it would be faster to climb the stairs and make our way to the dorms that way but halfway up someone started comeing down and told us that the stairs were too rickety to cross. So we ran accross the yard instead.

In the dorm we found an empty fold out couch to sleep on and one of the nuns warned us to keep ourselves wrapped up tight in the covers to keep from being bitten by the white chedder spiders. These spiders were about as big as a wolf spider but had spikey legs. The bodies and six legs were orange and brown but two of their legs were the color of white chedder. They were crawling all over the place making me squirm with fear.

After this my dream started to fade and I woke up thinking "What in the world?!"

Dream Log

3.18.2010

The dream began in a downtown area of a town similar to the one I live in; shops and cafes all lined up down a zig-zagging street. I'm not sure how it started but I do remember that I ended up in an antique shop concerned about a blue coat and black gloves. I think I was some sort of CSI b/c I was looking over everything and there were several others interviewing the store owner and neighboring stores. One neighbor in particular was very disturbed about something getting into his place and swimming in the vats (not sure what was in these vats but he was pretty angry and old).

I remember talking with several of the other CSI's and again the coat was a huge concern.

We must have solved the case because we all decided to go out for drinks. Well, we were the night crew so it was about 5am, and yet there was a bar still open so we went there. While there me and another female CSI got into some weird verbal contest with another patron at the bar. I eventually got bored with this and decided to go sit at an empty table by myself.

On my way home the grouchy old man from the store with the vats was following me and was really angry that we didn't do anything about the people swimming in his vats. I was kinda scared of him and went down this creepy ally lined with what turned out to be dorm rooms. As I was walking down the ally-turned-hallway I remember thinking to myself, "I give up on dating. So unless I see a light at the end of this tunnel I'll never date again." About 5 doors down there were lights on in two of the rooms on the right and as I walked past the first I glanced at the door and saw a man staring at me, so I went in.

He had 3 roommates, a cat and a small bull dog. He offered to buy me Pizza Hut and I agreed. His mother showed up before we left and she was all excited to meet me. Instead of going to Pizza Hut he took me to this weird cafeteria place where all the food was frozen. I was disappointed because I couldn't eat any of it and while he was filling his plate I kept thinking, "I should have gone to the second door."

Weird!

Dreaming of you

I've been sitting here for ages thinking about what I could possibly say to make all these feelings known. Your presence in my thoughts is so constant that even when I don't think I am thinking about you, you're there; the wind in the trees, a whisper in the dark, its all you.

We haven't talked since that day; did you forget the things you said? When we walked together I was full of life. When you held my hand it felt like you wanted the same things I did. Have you forgotten the way you looked at me?

We live far away and rarely see each other, but no matter who I meet or what I do, there's no one like you. You are my ideal, you were there before I learned what dreaming was, you are my dream. A small piece of light in darkness that keeps me from giving up.

For years I've tried to tell myself that I am over you, for years I've believed that lie. No matter what you'll always be my first love. No matter what you'll hold a place in my heart, my dreams and my soul. I can't let go of you.

Now, you're with another. Now, I can't even hope for something more. Now, I am alone. I will always have that night, that walk and that look, but I'll never have you. I won't let go of that dream.

Maybe one day I'll get over you. Perhaps someone better will come along, but for now, tonight, I'll settle for dreams. I'll walk alone and remember the times we had.

Good things in life...

Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed by life's trials, and I've done my fair share of complaining about it all. I have every right to feel the way I do but I'm tired of feeling so low.

So, I've decided to compile a list of things that brighten my day. Most will be disjointed and many may not understand how some of them could possibly be a positive thing, but trust me, they all are special in some way.

Snow sparkling in the sunlight.

Wind swaying through green meadows in the mountains.

A big wet kiss from my dog when I've only stepped outside for a few minutes.

A baby's sigh.

Watching an actor become their character.

Seeing someone discover a love for the stage.

Being part of a special moment.

Melancholy anime films.

Abstract paintings.

Getting lost in a big city.

The smell of rain in the pines.

A misty night in London.

The boardwalk on a beach in Miami.

Laughing with my brother and sister.

Crying in a really good movie.

Cello music.

The perfect yarn for a crocheted hat.

Frank Sinatra.

Clean laundry.

A good cuppa tea.

The perfect hot chocolate.

Crawling into bed after a hard day's work.

Sleeping in.

Daydreams.

Baking cookies.

Overcoming a challenge.

Learning something new and exciting about myself.

Making a new friend.

Rollercoasters.

Watching a friend perform.

A glass of dry red wine, Kacie singing and playing the piano, and good friends all at the Paramount Piano Bar.

One too many shots of tequilla with Tif and Nejla.

Cheesy old movies.

A new episode of my favorite shows.

A new pair of shoes.

Multi-tasking like a madwoman!

Being lazy.

Long drives with the music blaring.

Peeing after a long drive.

Coming home to the Big Horns.

Exploring a new place.

Hiking.

Project Destruction.

Giant blow-up obstacle courses.

Reconnecting with old friends.

Feeling useful.

Completing a big project.

A good action movie.

New foods.

Kitchen gadgets.

Homemade hot fudge at the Noetlitch's

Feeling like I belong.

Swimming.

Throwing the perfect snowball.

Coming inside after being out in frigid temperatures.

That's all I can think of for now. Perhaps there will be a Good things post #2. I'm trying to be more positive in my thinking and hopefully it will carry over into the events in my life.

Sleepless Nights and Crazy Days

Wow! That's all I have to say about the last few months in my little world.

Some days it feels like nothing is going on and then all of the sudden EVERYTHING starts happening at once. Between working weird hours at Super 8, rehearsals after school M-F, and a crazy family I feel like I hardly have time to breathe!

Let's see here, family: my cousin is in the hospital doing her best to keep Baby safe long enough for her lungs to develop. Meanwhile her 3 girls are spending time with Great-Grandma. The rest of the family is all doing their part to keep life moving here. Looks like we'll have Baby around soon!

More family: brother is in Afghanistan. Just moved from one of the quieter regions to a more tumultuous area (oh joy of joys! more stress and worry!) So far we've only been able to get a 10 min call once a week, now, who knows when we'll here from him again. Praying that God will keep him and his company safe as they work alongside the Afghan Police to make peace with the Taliban.

Rehearsals for Guys and Dolls are well underway, but between state music events, debate, sickness, and laziness I have yet to have the entire cast at a rehearsal. Would like to be running the show from top to end by now, but noooooooo. I've decided musicals are not my cup of tea as a director.

Find myself missing Sioux Falls and friends a lot lately. Pretty lonely here and really sick of high schoolers and their drama. Ready to move on to the next stage of my life but sadly am stuck here for a while due to student loans and medical bills :-( Doing my best to be satisfied with where I am and what I am doing. Praying for peace.

One good bit of news: I recently received an email regarding a stage managing position with Montana Shakespeare in the Parks. I am currently in the process of applying for the position. If it works out I would be spending June in Bozeman, MT, helping with rehearsals for "Julius Caesar" before the team goes on tour. This would be another great networking opportunity for me, as well as getting more experience as a stage manager! Big prayers about this one.

Well for now that is about it. My thoughts are so mixed up I can't really form a coherent sentence but I thought you might like a quick update.

Semper Fi,
TarahBelle

Woes of a first time high school drama coach

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. It seems like everything is against the production I'm currently directing. Here's a brief list of the things that have been falling apart on me:

1. Our scripts were not properly ordered back in July and by the middle of August, when I was calling the school on a weekly basis, they still hadn't come, I called the publishing company and they never received the order! So we ordered them rush delivery. Four weeks later we called the company and the scripts had been back ordered! By this time we were already 3 weeks into rehearsals so I said forget it we'll just stick with the few copies we already had.

2. H1N1 hit our town and hit hard. There were only a few confirmed cases because the number of children sick was so large the doctors said that not to go to the clinic unless there was a dangerously high fever b/c there wasn't anything to be done . Of the 12 students that I have in the play, 5 have been out sick.

3.At the beginning of the rehearsal process I had to have surgery and my energy level was way low. So I let quite a few things slide which are now returning to kick me in the butt. Focus is a major issue and I'm not sure how exactly to get these students properly motivated.

4. Costumes of course for a period play are always an issue, but I thought we were covered when a grad student from UNL said she'd pull some costumes from a recent show. To my great distress the show was accepted into a competition and now we can no longer use the costumes.

5. As always there is lots of drama and such going on in the lives of high school students, mine are no exception. Sadly the most frustrating is the drama between my sister and I. I am not the greatest sister in the world, but lately I seem to be doing everything that upsets her. Its frustrating because I tend to say things I don't mean at rehearsal and whether I apologize or not she stays pissed for a few days.

6. At the beginning of the school year I was told that I had a $3500 budget for the year. Today, I was informed that we have used all of our money in our account, $510! This was what the previous director spent last year so its the budget the financial committee at the school gave us. Needless to say I was pissed, and confused since I was given a much higher number to begin with. I don't how to handle it all but I think I've got it figured out, for now.

While much of this is out of my control, I still am feeling hugely overwhelmed and incapable of making this a truly successful show. I hate feeling so inept. I knew that it would be tough and that I would be learning a lot during this first play, but currently I am not seeing any blue sky ahead.
I want to keep doing this, I won't give up, not yet at least.