So this is a view from I90 going into Buffalo from Gillette. This is where I have spent most of my life. Those mountains draw me back every time I leave. This is home.
But home isn't home anymore. As time goes on I find that even though my heart will always call this place home, I can't be a part of it anymore. It is time for me to pull up my roots and make it on my own. I may be transplanted and up-rooted many times before I find a new home, but I must do it.
I don't mean to sound depressing or overly dramatic, but I am drowning in loneliness and am tired of lying to myself that it will get better. I won't meet anyone new here because I won't step out of who I was. I am a different person now, and I don't fit here. Its not a place where I can grow anymore. Living here is only making me unhappy, depressed. The only way I will be happy is if I put aside my selfishness and fears and finally trust that God will protect me "out there." HE will provide for me. HE will open doors, or shut them. Only God can make ME happen. I am useless in making my own way, my own plans, and providing opportunities. I must trust, must rely, and must let go of my past. That is all I can do.
Ironically, it feels like the calm before a storm. Something big is headed my way. I won't settle for a mediocre existance anymore. Something is building within me and without. I am ready to take on whatever battles lie ahead.
With Christ by my side and home in my heart, I face a new day, a new challenge, and I will succeed. Life won't get me down anymore.
Brave thoughts, friend. Take comfort in the fact that if God is leading, you will find the right place eventually. And he blesses us when we take that step of faith, leaving behind what is safe and comfortable in order to follow him. Make sure to let us know where you end up! (And if your path happens to lead through Boston, let me know!)
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